Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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