Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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