I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
