pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
