I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
