Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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