Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
