I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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