so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
