If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
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He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
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It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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