wanna go halves on a baby?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
