I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
