I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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