i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
