I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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