I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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