So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
