Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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