how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
