I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I was not drunk enough for that final.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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