it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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