Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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