Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
