a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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