I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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