my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
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He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
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We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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