When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
i now understand why vodka
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
