But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
