my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
