Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
