I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
