I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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