Will you blow on my dice?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
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