I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
