Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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