Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
