So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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