come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
