I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
