How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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