...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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