i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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