I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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