mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
