The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
