My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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