Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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