is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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