someone owes me an orgasm
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
