So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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