he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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