drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Someone shattered a urinal.
Found the puke drawer
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
