I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
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I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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