btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
