There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
