Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
