dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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