It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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