nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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