Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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